Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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