i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
