About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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