Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
