i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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