then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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