I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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