I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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