OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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