i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
