I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
