the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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