Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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