i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
