you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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