tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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