i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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