im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I puked a lego.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize