my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
