I murdered the dance floor call the cops
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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