i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
