We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize