It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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