I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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