does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize