john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
