I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
