You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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