Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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