ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
