Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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