tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
