bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
