well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
