Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
