I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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