I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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