after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
