Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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