I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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