The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
