i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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