I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
