Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i think my cat just said my name.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize