can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
