cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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