I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
