Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize