I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
