five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
what day is it and did you see me today?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
