he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
