But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
