I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
