My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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